So, my precious, sensitive souled son is in kindergarten and came home yesterday in absolute big, alligator tears...
his dear feelings were CRUSHED!!
He had been talking to a friend in class and goofing off, like any 6-year old would do at "free time" and was immediately sent to his desk to put his head down. He NEVER gets in trouble, in fact, he is usually the one defending the ones that do get in trouble. He is devastated. He is the type that needs approval. He woke up this morning with the determination that he was not going to school (because his feet hurt)...after further questioning he admitted it was because he did not want to be in trouble again-he was afraid to see his teacher and what she thought of him. He has determined that he doesn't need to go to school again.
In preschool his darling teacher explained that for him to LOVE school (the learning part of it, the social part is NOT a problem) he would need an amazing kindergarten teacher that understood his type of personality and accentuated it. Since moving, this has been an extremely difficult challenge for us, as his teacher has been battling MAJOR health issues this year and is super short fused with the kids. I volunteer in the classroom every Tuesday and experience the heartache these children feel from the attitude the teacher gives them.
I just don't know what to do. I did allow Bryant to stay home today. We have had reflection day and how he is a great kid and how he can be even better at school, by being an example. He still insists he doesn't need to go.
So, I pose the question(s)...
1. What would you tell your child?
2. How would you handle his attitude toward his teacher/school?
3. What would you do, if anything, about the teacher's attitude?
4. How would you handle next year, or would you worry about it?
As an educator, it is difficult to see the light in the children's eyes that want to learn, but see the attitude they have that it doesn't matter because someone, somehow, at some time told them they weren't good enough. In my immature vision, I can see that Bryant will take to heart EVERYTHING any teacher says and discard most of what I say to be who he will become.
Again, I could use some advice...
5 years ago
7 comments:
Don't give up on school so soon - there are so many teachers your children may work with who will help them love school. In reality, there are some teachers who are a total nightmare and make the rest of us look bad, but please don't think that they are the majority. I am not a parent, but I am a teacher so hopefully my point of view is worth something. I see this kind of thing happen often and I know that it can be come a really bad situation, or it can be no big deal. It really depends on how the adults involved handle it. Please don't think my opinion is biased because I do understand that some teachers should be removed from the classroom and strung up by their toes. Trust me, I have to deal with them everyday.
If you haven't already, open a dialogue with the teacher - do it with kindness and compassion and patience, especially since you know she is having health problems and she is human after all. You said you work in the classroom, so that provides you with a unique view in that you have seen how the classroom works. It sounds like she could have handled the situation better. Even so, allow the opportunity for forgiveness and consider this a teachable moment to help your child learn about compassion and patience for others. That teacher may be a complete nightmare or she may have not realized how much she affected your son. It is most likely that she just doesn’t realize how much he was hurt. Give her the chance to correct her mistake and rebuild her repor with your son. I have at least one parent every year (except this one so far) that just doesn't like me and thinks I am pure evil. These are usually the ones who are impossible to please because, in reality, I am actually one of the kindest and most compassionate teachers in the building. I try to show them this, but many times their minds are closed and they have already determined that I am mean or incompetent. Neither of which are true. One thing I always appreciate a call of concern from a parent so that I may rectify the situation. I would call the teacher and express your concern (with a calm and happy voice – I would butter her up as much as possible, it really does help). “Bryant came home and was upset about a situation. He said [insert Bryant’s story]. He is just so tenderhearted and was worried that you didn’t like him. I just wanted to find out what happened from your point of view.” Allow her to tell her side, thank her for her time and ask if she could make a point to let Bryant know that he is still cared about. I would definitely not ignore the situation and I would definitely not call the teacher and be accusatory. She definitely won’t listen then. You have the right and the responsibility to demand the best for your child, but pulling out daggers won’t help anything. Assume the best and go from there.
Use this time with Bryant as a teachable moment to learn about kindness and compassion. It sounds like you are familiar with the teacher’s interactions with students. As a teacher, I have found myself at times being short with my students and not realizing that it affected one of them so deeply (especially this time of year when they act crazy). Bryant may have been doing nothing wrong, but never assume that with a child. Kids tell stories from their emotions, not from adult logic. It may have been “free time” but there may have been guidelines for what that means and he may not have been following all the directions. Of course the teacher may have just been impatient, but don’t automatically assume so. It drives me crazy when I get a phone call from a parent who is mad at me because their child told them some lopsided story and the just assumed that it was gospel truth. When they hear my side, they usually feel differently. Most teachers don’t give kids consequences for no reason and most kids don’t try to lie about their behavior. It is self-preservation. They are feeling hurt or mad and are not yet mature enough to see the situation from someone else’s perspective. I would try to assume this and question Bryant about what the expectations were and what he was actually doing. Does free time mean that you can be noisy and fool around like at recess or does it mean that you are to play quietly with a friend or look at books? I know I wasn’t there, but I would guess that what happened was that he was working with another child, got excited about what they were doing and then got sidetracked or got noisy. That’s ok. Kids do that all the time and it’s not intentional and it’s how kids are, but it does have to be addressed. If I let my students get away with every mistake they made, my classroom would be chaos. The consequence should be followed up with a message of understanding and forgiveness though. Most likely, the teacher could have handled it better had she taken Byrant’s personality into consideration. However, she is not feeling well and she didn’t, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. I would talk about that with Byrant. Kids can be so compassionate, and he can probably understand how hard it is to be nice to other people when you don’t feel good. It’s also good for kids to learn that they don’t have to be perfect. I have some kids who are so petrified of making a mistake, they are afraid to do anything on their own. It’s a handicap, actually. They need to take some risks every now and then. It’s okay to make a mistake and when you do, it’s not so hard to fix it. He will be baptized in a couple of years and will need to learn how to make amends. He could even (with help) write a note to his teacher, apologizing for his choice, or if it turns out that he really didn’t do anything and his teacher was just being a jerk, he could draw a picture to make her feel better. From this situation he could learn how important it is to be kind, no matter how others treat you. He definitely needs to go back and face the situation. The longer he avoids the situation, the worse it will get. Staying home one time to reflect with you and recover is fine since it’s the first time, but I definitely wouldn’t let it become a habit. I have just seen too many permissive parents who let their child avoid the responsibility of school and then wonder why their child is failing or why they are being hauled into attendance court. It sounds pretty dramatic and it is. Working with those kids is frustrating. It’s hard to teach a kid who is never at school. Being armed with a peace offering may make Bryant feel better about going back and then you can help him see how brave he was. Kids are resilient. He’ll be fine with a little encouragement and in a few weeks he probably won’t even remember it, and he will be a little tougher.
I have a feeling that things will get better. If you continue to communicate your concerns and Bryant still has trouble with this teacher, it may be necessary to schedule a meeting with her or the principal. I doubt that will be necessary though.
I would not worry too much about next year. I would try and make sure this year ends on a good note. That will help him not dread school in the fall. If you are able to make a choice about his teacher for next year, I would talk to other parents about their experiences and possibly meet his potential teachers. First grade teachers tend to be really awesome in general. If you are not able to make a choice about his teacher, make sure that you meet the teacher before school starts and allow Bryant to meet her and see all the wonderful things he will be able to do and learn in first grade.
Fear not – teachers will come and go and maybe even inspire him every now and then but you will be his mother forever and believe it or not, you are the person who will have the most influence on who he will become. He’ll thank you someday.
How frustrating, for you and Bryant. I would continue to assure Bryant what a great kid he is. Maybe think about telling him about his teacher's health problems and explain that sometimes people take their own problems out on others even though they shouldn't. I would try to talk to the teacher too, just as the other person commented, with compassion. If that doesn't help, then make sure that you make learning fun for Bryant at home. Don't forget to be prayerful about all of this, too. Good luck.
thank you so much for your advice. I think it might have affected me slightly more than him, but he just plain old doesn't like school anymore and that crushes me! Anyway, thank you for your suggestions and support...we will be considering many options.
Great advice already...I agree with much of it! My oldest is also very sensitive (tender-hearted, etc...) and we have just gone through a period of having another child bully him at school and all I can offer is that reassurance is key. You may not think they will listen, but keep being positive about his situation and what a great kid he is. Hang in there - these mom moments can be tough!! :)
Hey, found your blog! Your kids are so cute and grown up! It is great seeing how you and your family is doing. Say hi to the Thornock family for me!
my second grade teacher was like this...short with the kids and actually especially mean to the boys. My other brothers had her before I got to her, so my mom knew her personality. She became a room mom so she could "moniter" the teacher. Honestly, I know I didn't like her and she was reall strict and mad me not feel good, but having my mom there so often made me not really let it sink in--because mom was the positive reinforcement. I guess there's only a month?left of school until summer...so maybe you could find a bribe until the summer---or make it a challange for him and even (if he's mature enough)let him in on the secret that she's struggling and needs help. Maybe he could even make her an "I'm sorry" card (even though she probably doesn't deserve it....) and that would make him feel like he REALLY apologized and she'd see what a great kid he is.
Good luck.
I would tell him that people make choices and sometimes they choose to say things or do things that will hurt us- he will find that to be true for the rest of his life, but we get to choose how we act back-we can still act kindly and respectful back. I would make it a matter of prayer-pray for the teacher, teach him to pray for her and for himself so that he can have a good days at school.
I would approach the teacher and let her know he was crushed and hear her side of the story too. Hopefullly talking with her will help.
I would check with other parents to see if she is having this attitude with all the kids and if you feel it would do some good, voice your concerns to the principal-sounds like she should be done teaching if all she is doing is punishing.
I wouldn't worry about next year, because he will have a different teacher and a different class so just keep telling him to keep his chin up and that school is almost done for this year :-)
Post a Comment